It's turning out to be one of those days....

Why is it that there are days and days that can go by and I feel like a completely "normal" person - that is, I don't feel the weight of grief pressing down on me - and I can go about my day doing "normal" things - going to work, coming home, making dinner, doing laundry - doing the things that mommies do...

And then all of a sudden, out of the blue, one of those days happens along, and all I want to do is curl up, miss my mom, miss my dad, and cry.

All of a sudden this afternoon, while sitting at my desk and trying to finish a proposal, I was hit with an enormous wave of grief - panic - dread. Perhaps it's the impending trip west to see my mom. Perhaps it's the summer storm that blackened the sky. Who knows. All I know is it's here. And it's not going away.

I should be happy and excited to be going 'home' to see my mom. And I am. At least part of me is. Truth be told, another part of me is dreading it. I want to see my mommy, to hold her hand, to touch her hair, to tell her I love her. I do NOT want to see her hunched over in her wheelchair, drooling, and trying to communicate but not making any sense. I don't want to feel the uneven ridges in her skull when I kiss her head - where bones are missing from her surgery. I want to hug her and tell her all about everything . I want to have one of our marathon coffee-talks where we pour our hearts out.

What I want I can't have. I probably can't have again. I'm looking forward to seeing my mom. I'm terrified to see my mom. And I'm even more terrified that makes me a bad person because I'm frightened to see her like she is.....