Turns out you can't have your cake and eat it too...

As I sit here typing this blog, my heart and my thoughts keep drifting to my children. Long before D and I ever embarked on what turned out to be a long and harrowing journey to have children, we decided that I would be a mommy who worked outside of the home. Scratch that - I decided I'd be a mommy who worked and kept my career.

My mom did it. She managed to be a successful nurse while raising my brother and I. She somehow finagled to have a part time job with hours where she could drop us at school in the morning and be there to pick us up when it was over. She was able to chauffer me to ballet lessons, brother to soccer and scouts, and all the while seemed to have it all under control. I don't recall eating out much - dinner was always ready and on the table at 6 pm - and we always ate together as a family.

Many a day goes by when I wonder how in the heck she did it all. I love my job (most of the time.) I worked really hard to get here - two degrees, a lot of research, and I paid my dues working for 10 years for the state environmental agency at a lousy paying job so I would get loads of experience.

But I also love my children. Some days, I admit, I look forward to that drive to daycare when I can drop the kids off - telling myself that they are at preschool not daycare and that they are learning more from trained professionals than I could ever teach them.

But lately, I have come to dread the morning rush and the daily drop off at daycare. At 15 months, J is entering into separation anxiety - and it breaks my heart to see him cry every day when I leave. A has been acting out (typical three-year old stuff) but when I ask her why she's being such a pill the answer is 'because I miss you mommy.' She's been very clingy as well lately.

There are more days than not that I find myself daydreaming about what it would be like to be a stay-at-home-mom. I always said I'd lose my mind if I was around little people all day with no interaction with adults. I always said I worked hard to get where I am so that I could be in inspiration to my daughter.

But you know what? I miss my kids. I feel like I'm missing out on their lives. I'm seeing them grow up and learn things and I'm not a part of that. Sure, I can ask them what they did, or how their day was - but I'm not a part of the painting or the sno-cone making or the learning the alphabet. I get two, maybe three hours with them each evening during the work week - and a majority of that time is spent rushing them to the house, trying to keep them happy while I get dinner on the table, cleaning up after dinner, and finally - spending a few moments with them after their bath that Daddy gives them before bed.

And after it is all said and done - it turns out you can't have your cake and eat it too....

So should I just quit work? Perhaps. But we're not in a financial situation where I can just do that. We have a beautiful home that I love - that we bought on a two salary income. Should we decide for me to stay home - well that would entail selling the house, buying a smaller one (which is certainly okay) but with the housing market these days - not an easy task.

I miss my kids. I wish I could talk to my mom about this - I know she'd have some worldy advise that would make it all seem okay.

I miss my mommy.