Catching up....

We've been out of commission at our house - both D and I came down with some sort of tummy bug that caused a lot of queasiness for me and other stomach issues for D. Yuck. It completely derailed us for the better part of a week - and we're just now trying to get things back on track - that is, scrub the house, wash everything we can in the hot washing machine, and cross our fingers and hope and pray that neither of the kids gets it!

We're on the mend though, and that is a good thing...

Thank you Kristin for your sweet comment to my last post - it means a lot to know someone is actually reading this and can offer some insight. I've not let the word out about this blog to friends/family. There is safety in anonymity. I've been thinking about the words I finally confessed that I've been carrying around for so long. I guess this blog is therapeutic after all...

There is so much more I want to write - about my mom, about my fears. About my husband. About how I want to move and be closer to her with every fiber of my being - but to do so may entail destroying my marriage.

How in the heck do I choose between the life I created with my husband, and the life my mom created for me? How do I decide who is more important - the woman who gave me the gift of life - or the man who I gave my heart to?

It's a terrible bind to be in. Apparently it's a no-win situation. If we move - I'll be ecstatic. I'll be thrilled beyond belief to be able to see my mom on a more regular basis (and not have to drop several thousand dollars to do so) and encourage her to improve. I'd like to be there the day my step dad can no longer provide sole care for her.

However, if we ever made that move, I'll always feel like I pushed D into moving. He says he wants to go - but clearly this is not the case - we've been discussing/arguing about this for almost two years (a very long time before any of this happened with my mom, by the way, I felt the need to be closer to her shortly after the birth of A when D's parents checked out and made it abundantly clear they wanted no part in our child's life.) D's had almost TWO years to get his act together - to do the things it would take to move our family. He's done nothing. I've found jobs that sound like his dream job - helped him with his resume, even wrote the damn cover letter - and still it sits. Collecting dust. Because my dear and loving and kind and thoughtful husband is also complacent, comfortable where he is, and a tad lazy.

Do you know, the last conversation I had with my mom - the last time I spoke with her before the bottom fell out - when she was in hospital #1 for the headaches - before she was helicoptered to Seattle to have her brain cut apart - the very last thing we talked about was how much she hated seeing her grandchildren - my children - growing up in pictures. That was a very intimate thought for her - I'm sure she thought it a million times - but never verbalized it. She must have been in pure agony to let her guard down enough to tell me what I already knew.

That conversation haunts me.

Mommy, I want to be with you. I need to be with you. But I can't leave my husband to do so. Or can I? Do I flip a coin?

Good lord - I wish you were here to talk to!

One thing is for certain - I can't keep going like I'm going. It's killing me.