The Recap - or how NOT to spend Mother's Day

So now that I have all of my dedications for Mothers Day in the previous entries, I can recap the weekend and what it was like.

First - I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I was fortunate enough to spend some time with my two beautiful children. But it was crazy time, time spent running around trying to clean our house and cook dinner for my husband's family. I haven't gotten into the long saga of my in-laws in this blog (yet) partially because I hadn't decided the purpose of this blog - if I should make it 'public' to those in my family who know us - and might read these words. I suppose should I ever decide to let them in on my little secret I can delete posts that might negatively affect them - but at this point - I don't really care.

I spent most all of last week in Detroit for a national conference, meaning I hadn't spent time with the kids since early last Sunday afternoon. I came home very late Wednesday night - only time to drop off my suitcase, sleep a little bit, then get up, pack the kids off to daycare Thursday morning and again on Friday with meetings back to back.

Saturday morning D took A to his hometown for their annual festival. It was good for him to go, so A could see the parade and ride some carnival rides, and spend some time with his mom and dad (mind you - his mom and dad want nothing to do with either A or J 364 other days out of the year.) It was a good idea in theory - but when time came for D to leave, I was irritated. Annoyed because I wanted to spend some time with my daughter, irritated that she would be gone for most all of the day with said grandparents who have had no involvement with her (but expect that she be there for this crazy festival day), irritated that the house was a disaster and I'd be stuck cleaning it all day - by myself while trying to play and spend time with J who I had also not seen all week, irritated that I still needed to plan a menu, shop, and prepare dinner for Sunday for 11 people.

So things weren't off to the best start. By the time D came home with A - things hit the fan - couple my mood with the fact that my mom is on the other end of the country and incapacitated - and I was pretty much in rare form. D acts like he has no idea why I'm in such a mood, why I'm so mad, and then gets even more bewildered when I get angry when he tells me he still has shopping to do for Mothers Day (i.e. - he waited until the last minute and now had to shop). I know it's probably petty - but for once I wanted him to have some forethought and do something nice - not because he had to or because it was Mothers Day - but because it is such a tough time for me (with my mom and all.)

I'm sure the following screaming fit with me in tears sobbing came across as shallow to him - but it wasn't about a gift or a dollar amount spent - it was because I miss my mom - more than I can ever articulate - and because I missed my kids - and because I was trying so hard to make Mothers Day perfect for everyone else - I didn't get a chance to spend any time with them. I busted my butt all day Saturday cleaning and again Sunday - that really, the only quiet time I had was when they were sleeping or I was.

Happy Freaking Mothers Day.

I suppose it would all be okay - if Sunday afternoon hadn't been such a disaster. As I mentioned before, my in-laws have had no involvement with our children. Ever. Never once have they offered to babysit, or spend time with them, and when they do see the kids - they act like it's an act of Congress to get in their car and drive the 45 minutes it takes to get to our house. We try to visit them when we can - but frankly it's hard to go out on Sunday afternoons for lunch like we did before we had children - both kids sleep from 12-2 in the afternoon - and if they don't get their naps, they are overtired and cranky come evening, and it takes days for them to recover. Poor little J who tends to be sickly especially has a hard time recovering.

I invited the whole family over for dinner on Sunday - because it was easier for my kids (they could get a good rest in), would make my husband happy (he would get to see his mom on Mothers Day) and generally speaking (but not EVER again) I like to cook and entertain. It makes me feel closer to my mom - she always made holidays and get-togethers special - and that is something I'd like to do for my kids.

So, they finally arrive - about 30 minutes before we are scheduled to eat. (Note - no help or offer of help to get dinner to the table.) Mother in law doesn't even say hello to me. Spends some time in the backyard with D and the kids and some other family members, finally comes inside - I ask Father in law how he is - his response is 'we're here' - we sit down to eat (a very nice meal I might add - that I went to a lot of trouble to prepare) and they eat on their end of the table. Not once do I hear a compliment or a thank you. Okay. Lets move on to gifts - we have a few gifts for Mothers Day. MIL acts put out that she has to open gifts. Still not a word to me. So we have dessert - a coconut cake that A and I made together - and all I hear from the other end of the table is grumbling about how MIL shouldn't be eating cake - it's fattening and blah blah blah...
We're clearly finished eating - I get up to start the enormous pile of dishes - MIL and FIL don't even get up to bring their freaking dish to the kitchen.

Lovely. Is this how I'm supposed to spend Mothers Day? Waiting on these people hand and foot?

Finally, they leave - and while they are in the 15 minute process of saying goodbye - A looks up with wide eyes to her grandparents and pleads with them to attend her ballet recital scheduled in two weeks.

The response? 'We'll try.' (imagine seeing scowls - not a nice 'we'll try' but more like a 'if I have to make you happy for the time being I'll say we'll try) FIL says - you'll have to talk to your grandma. MIL says - depends on your grandpa - I'm not driving all this way by myself.

My heart burst into a thousand pieces seeing the look of disappointment on A's little face. All she wants, craves really, is her grandparents. These two are all she has - my biological father is dead, my mother is incapacitated, and my stepdad is consumed with taking care of her. And the in-laws, well they don't appreciate the gift they have in front of them.

I told D later that evening - that I am not hosting his family at our home again. EVER. I'm not committing to taking the kids to his family's house for holidays either. I don't have a desire or many warm fuzzies to take our kids and expose them to that negativity. And if they dare not show up for A's recital, then I'm through inviting them. My child does not need to learn of disappointment stemming from her grandparents' selfish behavior at such an early age. She's 3. She needs to be thinking of ballet shoes and Cinderella and coloring books - not wondering why her grandparents want nothing to do with her.

The especially hurtful salt in this open wound is that my MIL seems to have forgotten that prior to D and I ever trying to have children - she professed all of this endless support - how she knew that it would be hard for me to raise kids so far from my mom - how she'd be here to help us - and if we waited to have them until she retired, she'd keep them for us.

I never asked for that - I never asked for a babysitter - I never asked for anyone to do anything they didn't want to - to be inconvenienced in the least. All I asked for was love - and not for myself - but for my husband and my children.

And now my children are growing up without grandparents. That is so hard to get my head around... I was so close to my grandparents - I can't imagine growing up without them in my life. And the real stinker is that my mom wanted nothing more than to be with her grandkids. All she wanted was to teach A how to cook, and to take her to her beach below their home to hunt for seashells and clams, and to hold J's hand as he teetered with his first steps. She's missed all of that through no fault of her own. D's parents have missed all that - for only their fault - because they can't see past their own freaking noses to see the wonder of childhood before them.

Seems my kids are stuck with a pretty crappy lot.

And all I can do is watch it happen, because one thing I have learned in all of this is you can't change people and you can't make them love you.

Happy Mothers Day to Me.