Friday, April 11, 2008

Too Much Too Soon???

So why the title of this blog? A brief history of me ...

2001 - husband (D) and I kick off the year with our wedding on January 6
2003 - January - husband and I decide its time to start a family - and begin trying to have a child
- struggle for thirteen unsuccessful cycles to get pregnant, including the wonderful HSG for me, SA for D, news that we're 'sub-fertile' and a referral to an RE, scheduled IUI ....
and then....
2004 - January - 12 pregnancy tests later (just to make sure I didn't buy every defective test in South Carolina) we find out the blessed news that we are finally expecting our 'miracle' baby (I take the test one day prior to our consultation with the RE for IUI scheduling)
- endure a pretty rough pregnancy - on limited bed-rest for half of it for fear of pulmonary embolism and pitting edema...
and then...
2004 - September 21 - our beautiful daughter A is born!
2004 - the week before Thanksgiving (while I'm still trying to figure out this whole mommy thing) - my daddy is diagnosed with stage four cancer - two kinds - colon cancer and optic melanoma
2005 - February - we travel to Seattle with baby A to meet her grandpa - the first, last, and only time he ever got to see her
2005 - August 12 - my daddy passes away. We were right by his side - I was fortunate to be with him to kiss him and tell him how much I loved him. Unfortunately, he was comatose and intubated at the time - but I have to believe he heard me before he slipped away forever. I can't even begin to describe what that was/is like. I miss my daddy so much - it feels like there is a hole in my heart that will never be able to heal.
2006 - March - we find out we are expecting again
- two weeks after the test turned pink - I start bleeding.
- one week later - I cried my heart out as I miscarried the precious life that was once within me.
2006 - May - we find out we are expecting again.
- endure another rough pregnancy - complete with pretty significant bleeding the entire pregnancy. I held my breath the entire time - waiting for the bottom to fall out.
2006 - August - my dear and beloved grandmother passes away. We travel to San Francisco to pay our respects - and the entire experience is surreal. I was VERY close to my grandmother - to lose her, even at the ripe old age of 90 was very difficult.
2007 - February - our sweet baby boy J is born!
2007 - March - almost to the day of our son's six-week birthday - my mom starts complaining of headaches. Horrible headaches. After a drawn out process including two hospitals - the diagnosis is finally made that the vertebral artery leading to her brain has dissected and bled. She is helicoptered to the trauma 4 hospital in Seattle. Our family packs up and drives to Atlanta on Easter Sunday for an emergency trip out the following morning. Tuesday, April 10 - mom goes into surgery.

She's in a coma for months.

She slowly recovers - and is home now - with very limited functions and requiring full time care. How I articulate just what it was like to see my mom post-surgery - to see her struggle to recover - and to see her now - a shadow of her former self - is beyond my capabilities.

As I wrote previously, my mom is my inspiration, my best friend, the one person who has been there for every aspect of my life. I suppose, in part, due to that mysterious bond between mother and daughter.

It's sad, because I feel like I've endured rather than enjoyed the last year of my life - which as luck would have it - was the first year of my son's. All of the 'firsts' of his life (first steps, first tooth, first words, first smiles) were all tainted with the horror that my mom was missing it all. It wasn't enough that my dad had to miss it - to never get the opportunity to meet his grandson - but now my mom is missing it too.

Geesh.

Suffice to say, too much has happened - too soon for me to process. Thus, the title - and inevitably the need for this blog.

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